For our second installment of Love and The Cross, we speak to Micheal (31) and Yami (29) who have been married for 6 months on their purity struggles and victories leading up to marriage.
With Love and The Cross, via thought provoking questions directed at young Christians couples, about love with Christ at the centre, we seek to further edify people and combat cultural misconceptions about love.
Give us details on how you met your partner and the duration of your courtship?
Micheal: I met my partner in church. She's a leader in our local assembly. I've known her for almost 4 years but we never had a conversation, just the regular "distant pleasantries".
I started to see her differently when I saw her photo on a friend's whatsapp status. During this period I was on a 3 months study course (I was aiming to complete the Bible in 3 months). Even though the exercise wasn't for a marital partner, it helped my clarity and to deepen my conviction, I spoke to my mentors, Our pastor, Her friend and Her mentor.
Yami: We dated for 6 months. We attend the same church, Daystar Christian Center and had known each other for years in church but things took a different turn in 2023. It started with compliments, then notes slipping. Interestingly, I didn’t read any meanings to it. I just thought he was being a gentleman, plus I was working out my feelings for someone else.
In addition to how he treated me, he was busy doing some background work on the side, I was completely oblivious to all of it. He told one of my closest friends about his interest in me and she told him what to do and also spoke with one of my mentors. Anyway, one night I had this intense urge to pray about my marriage. I got up and prayed for a while and then sent a message to another of my mentors about the experience I had. It turns out that at the same time he had an encounter where the Lord pretty much told him about me getting married.
Based on that, we concluded that I needed to be on alert and sensitive to what’s happening around me. Around the same time, my now husband started to make his intentions known and well, here we are.
How did you know they were the “one”?
Micheal: I confirmed she is "The One" when we had our first conversation. A lot of our values align and I'm naturally attracted to intelligent people, plus she's black, curvy and beautiful.
We started dating 3 months after our conversations got more intense and we've gone on a couple of dinner and cinema dates. We courted for 6 months and got married afterwards.
Yami: The key things for me were the confirmation I received in the word, his approach in terms of his speaking with my friend and mentor, his person, I had known him in church for years and he was always gentlemanly. My friends and mentors were also praying with me and no one had a different opinion and so we proceeded.
Why was it important to build a culture of sexual purity before marriage?
Micheal: It was important for us to build a purity culture even though there were trying times because, prior to us dating, we were acquaintances. I don't know her and she didn't know me, so it was safe to say, we didn't have a deep friendship. Sex would have ruined the chance to build friendship with her and truly know her.
Sex changes everything. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. Being joined with several women would mean that (even though I'm not with them anymore) I have a part of them with me. This is what we call soul ties. (He who is joined with a harlot is one body), imagine being joined with multiple.
It was important for me also because of my faith. Sexual purity is a form of worshipping and honouring God with your body.
Yami: Because it was important to obey God. And marriage for us is to be an instrument unto God and he is Lord over us which means that whatever we do must be founded on his word. Maintaining the bond we have with the Father was pretty important to us.
What challenges did you face as a couple navigating sexual purity?
Micheal: For me, my vulnerability is my strength. I made sure me and my partner had conversations around sex. We both share similar love languages (physical touch, quality time and words of affirmation). For a couple with these love languages we were always together and there were times it almost got intimate. Being together always and having similar love languages was a major challenge for us.
Yami: Ooh! It was hard because the emotions were firing on all cylinders. I think one key thing was finding ways to spend time together without going against our values and beliefs.
Let’s talk about boundaries. What boundaries were put in place to sustain the decision of sexual purity before marriage?
Micheal: Vulnerability isn't a weakness but a strength. We both agree to always share how we feel, when the urge for sex comes etc. Sin thrives in secrecy.
If we are meeting at each other's place, we made it a culture to call any of our mentors or close friends and tell them and we started having more outdoor activities and less indoor activities.
Yami: We had boundaries around touch and physical intimacy. For instance, it's okay to hug or give a kiss on the cheek but no lips. No sleep overs and so on.
We defined some of the boundaries at the start and we reviewed and modified them as we went along and learnt about our triggers.
Was there a point in courtship that boundaries were compromised, and how did you navigate around that?
Micheal: Yes. There was a point (we didn't have sex) but we got very intimate.
We had to inform our mentor and our counsellor, who happened to be our mentor and also our pastor. It is natural to have slip ups, but it's important how you respond to them. Our response was to pick ourselves back up, speak to a mentor and remember we are not condemned but loved by God and His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
Yami: Yes, there was. We talked through it without blaming each other. It was important to figure out what triggered it so we both identified what role we played in breaking our boundaries and then we spoke with a friend and mentor who also advised us on how to better navigate the season we were in.
How well did you think pre-marriage counselling equipped you for marriage?
Micheal: Oh well. I consider it a starter pack, Not the whole pack. The whole pack is giving on job. Which means , you'd learn on the Job. There are things I'm learning about my wife and myself that weren't taught in counselling. But the starter pack is crucial in helping you get started.
Yami: It was really helpful. I absolutely recommend it to everyone who is looking to get married. It helped us learn about each other and that knowledge has come in very handy now that we’re married. Our personalities, what our marriage and family is about, defining roles, communication and so on were some of the things we discussed that were quite helpful and eye opening.
Now that you are married, do you think the wait was worth it?
Micheal: Absolutely! It was. You value the sex ministry more. In economics, the scarcity of a thing increases it’s value and then there's a feeling of self worth.
Yami: Yes, it was. I believe that God gives good gifts and sex is one of such gifts. For me, waiting wasn’t because if I had sex outside marriage it would be bad. It was more about acknowledging God’s place in my life, that he’s the Lord of my life and being able to look back at my life and see how God helped me stay faithful to his word is satisfying. To not have lost my relationship with God makes it totally worth it. And now, yeah, I can have all the sex I want, whenever I want without having to deal with guilt or shame or some other tactic of the enemy.
What advice would you give couples who are on a journey of sexual purity?
Micheal: Keep it real. Be vulnerable. If you feel it, share it. Have a community of believers and by believers I mean like-minded believers who share the same values. Be accountable to them and lean not on your own strength and understanding. Shalom!
Yami: Be open about your feelings. Have a trusted friend and mentor you can always reach out to when it gets hard cos it will. Define your boundaries and keep going back to them. Stand by your decision to wait, your relationship with the Father is absolutely worth it and if you fall, give yourself grace and go to your Father whose arms are always outstretched. There’s a great cloud of witnesses cheering you on.
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