For our first installment of Love and The Cross, we spoke to Seyi (29) and Deborah (25) who have been married for 5 months on their purity struggles and victories leading up to marriage.
With Love and The Cross, via thought provoking questions about love with Christ at the centre, directed at Christians couples, we seek to further edify people and combat cultural misconceptions about love.
Give us details on how you met your partner and the duration of your courtship?
Seyi: Well, I met my partner in church. Since you asked, she toasted me. Our courtship was about a year.
Deborah: This battle never ends. I got his number and reached out to him for a different reason entirely. I wanted him to model for me. But he took the conversation up from there and roped me in. We never even talked about why I reached out in the first place. Thanks to him and his charm. That brother had me in the locks in less than a week. He was still proud on top of it o. Fear Yoruba rizz!
How did you know they were the “one”?
Seyi: Jesus confirmed it.
Deborah: I prayed about it. God showed me things that would play out in the physical to confirm His Word and they did.
Why was it important to build a culture of sexual purity before marriage?
Seyi: Because it pleased the Lord.
Deborah: We wanted to honour God and we knew we had been called to a different path from the regular dating pattern.
What challenges did you face as a couple navigating sexual purity?
Seyi: Our previous lives created a window of difficulty in sexual purity but Jesus helped us.
Deborah: Submitting our own desires to the will of God regardless of how "hard" it was. Given our previous background in dating before coming back to officially court.
Let’s talk about boundaries. What boundaries were put in place to sustain the decision of sexual purity before(after) marriage?
Seyi: We avoided "movies"
Engaged in spiritual activities when we are together. Stayed accountable to people we respect.
ACTUALLY, SCRATCH ALL THAT!
Each one decided to be consecrated unto God - this was the real boundary.
Deborah: We had to limit physical contacts. But first acknowledging that we were not as strong as we thought to be by ourselves.
We had to cut down a lot of unnecessary emotional attachments (convos, body language) just so we didn’t get to a point where we lost control of our will to hold on.
We actively pursued spiritual growth. We spent a lot of time praying together, instead of being occupied with how well or how bad we were doing to curb sexual immorality.
Was there a point in courtship that boundaries were compromised, and how did you navigate that?
Seyi: Boundaries were compromised but we never hid from Him, and we did well to open up the compromise to those we were accountable to.
Deborah: There was guilt. But then there was coming to acknowledge we didn't do right and then going to God in prayer to ask for forgiveness and for strength.We felt peace right after and our resolve was strengthened.
How well did you think pre-marriage counselling equipped you for marriage?
Seyi. On a Scale from 0-10: 6.
Deborah. Rating it over 10, I'd say a solid 7.
And that's a really good place because truth is, you can't be fully prepared but once you have the foundational principles and you make God-who is the originator of Marriage-take centre stage, you're good to go!
And I think that even more importantly, that you're still able to reach out to your counsellors for those unpredictable circumstances that could make your boat unstable for a bit, just so you can still get guidance while rowing your boat.
Now that you are married, do you think the wait was worth it?
Seyi: I'd rather say I'm glad I pressed to please God and that there is no feeling/thought attached.
Deborah: Yes I really do think so.Because now, I'm not thinking about my performance as a prerequisite for convincing my husband to count me worthy to still marry me.
Plus, I don't have to be scared about nor being the best at sex, but rather, I'm more in a space where I can freely learn, unlearn and have us grow more into each other in the process. And please, there's no place for guilt anymore!
God is happy, my husband is at peace, and I couldn't be more satisfied.
What advice would you give couples who are on a journey of sexual purity?
Seyi: Forgetting setting boundaries and all those activities; rather, let each "man" continue in their pursuit of God (notice I said "continue")
Deborah: Praying together should be a major part of your daily and weekly schedule as a couple. Have a strong community of solid friendships and mentors/counsellors around you.
The moment you begin to nurture the idea that you can do it alone, or worse, you don't want others in your "business", you have already failed.
Set REALISTIC boundaries and ask the Holy Spirit to help you keep them regardless.
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